


Waiting for the Sun to Rise

by missmichellebelle



Series: Through the Kaleidoscope [10]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Pianist, Bittersweet, Goodbyes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pianist!Levi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 07:23:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15747036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmichellebelle/pseuds/missmichellebelle
Summary: “When the time comes, just… Don’t say goodbye. Promise me.”Every step Eren takes towards the elevator feels like a hundred miles.





	Waiting for the Sun to Rise

**Author's Note:**

> ho boy, uh, where do i start really?
> 
> well first, laugh at me, because i was all like 'au august guys!' and i wrote one thing in twenty days and i... whatever. i have a lot of things i'm working on, they'll come when they come.
> 
> and secondly, there's a lot i have to say about writing this in particular, and it just. people don't read long author's notes on ao3, so i'm going to babble about it on my tumblr and if you want to know why it took me so long to come back to these boys, and why i skipped to this point to come back to, you can read about it [here](http://missmichellebelle.tumblr.com/post/177209863190/waiting-for-the-sun-to-rise).
> 
> that being said, i've always wanted to finish this verse. i've known the ending almost the entire time i've been writing about it, so. let's hope we can get there.
> 
> A QUICK NOTE ABOUT MUSIC: I do not play piano! I do not compose music! but I really wanted to include Levi's "music," and so I will be using preexisting works and saying that Levi wrote them because... this is fic. and obviously when you guys click on the YouTube links you'll know that a fictional character did not actually compose it lol.

It must be after two in the morning, but Levi still isn’t letting himself fall asleep. Not that him and sleep have a great relationship normally, but for once, his wakefulness has nothing to do with his chronic insomnia—or his work. There is no ear worm of a song looping between his ears, no upcoming performance that has him practicing the same set over and over, no paranoid fear that morning will come and he’ll forget how to play entirely.

There is no worry, no anxiety, no stress—there’s just Eren’s sleeping face, and Levi’s refusal to look away.

Levi’s bedroom is pitched in darkness, and what light does manage to force its way through the curtains paints pale, moonlit stripes where it catches on Eren’s skin. It highlights the swell of his bottom lip, the apple of his cheek, the slope of his nose, the curve of his shoulder. Levi knows that he could reach forward and use Eren’s shoulder as a starting off point. That he could follow that line to the familiar cut of his collarbone, and, from there, slowly and entirely map out the entirety of Eren’s body with perfect accuracy.

It’s still a bit of a novelty for Levi, this complete knowledge of another person. Before Eren, the most intimate relationship he’d had was with his _piano_ , with music. After all, pianos are more familiar to him than his own reflection, and for a long time he’d only been able to find comfort when he was seated at a piano. Having his fingers on the keys, even when he wasn’t playing a single one, had felt like finding the one place he truly belonged. And when he did play, he knew soundly that he could close his eyes and he would still find his way. His hands, his body, his mind, his _heart_ —they know the keys. They know the song.

Eren’s hand is resting nearly at eye-level on the bed between them, fingers curled loosely against the bedspread, and Levi settles his hand over Eren’s in a backwards clasp.

Now he knows Eren. He hadn’t even know it was possible to know another person this entirely, this intimately. And yet… Here he is.

It’s even more jarring when he realizes that Eren knows him just as thoroughly.

His eyelids flutter heavily, and Levi blinks away the exhaustion. Insomnia is one thing, but actively fighting off the natural urge to sleep isn’t something he’s done since he was a teenager. He yawns into the back of his other hand, and then fumbles for his phone, squinting against the backlight as he checks the time. 2:17AM. A quiet groan sounds in the back of his throat as he drops his phone somewhere near the edge of the bed. Three more hours. Three more hours, and then he’ll be waking Eren up, and then…

Levi exhales long and slow through his nose. He doesn’t want to think about it. Not yet. He has plenty of time to do that when Eren isn’t less than a foot away, warm and real and tangible. Levi eases himself closer to Eren, sandwiching their laced hands between their bodies, and doesn’t stop until his forehead brushes against Eren’s. He can feel Eren’s steady breathing against his bottom lip, and doesn’t even try to fight the twitch of a smile when Eren automatically nuzzles his nose against Levi’s. He mumbles something unintelligible, and Levi kisses the corner of his mouth. Eren smiles.

For just a moment, Levi closes his eyes, trying to remember everything about this exact moment—from the way Eren’s hair tickles against his forehead, to the toes pressed against his shin. He _needs_ to remember this. He has no idea how long it will be before he has it again.

 

*

 

“Play me something.”

Levi’s fingers are already poised against the keys when Eren drops onto the piano bench beside him. He’s been doing that a lot more lately, apparently no longer content with watching Levi play over the back of the sofa. Levi had always liked being able to look up and meet Eren’s eyes over the length of the piano, but there’s something to be said for having Eren right beside him. Mostly that it’s incredibly distracting and ultimately hinders his daily practice, and yet… Levi hasn’t once asked him to move.

He likes having him close.

“I’m sorry, is that not what I’m doing?” Levi drawls, gesturing with a tip of his head to his hands, and Eren knocks their shoulders together in response to Levi’s sarcasm. Before Levi can retaliate to that, however, Eren unceremoniously lays his cheek against Levi’s shoulder, the rest of his body shifting and slumping to match. It turns _slight hinderance_ into _significantly harder_ , given the fact that Levi’s left arm is now entirely weighted down by Eren.

Having Eren beside him is one thing, but how is Levi supposed to play like this?

He’s about to say as much when Eren nuzzles his cheek against Levi’s shoulder, pressing a kiss that Levi can just feel through the thin cotton of his shirt.

It’s such a simple thing but it completely erases any and all arguments he has.

“You know what I mean.”

Levi stares blankly at his living room. _Does_ _he?_ He’s not so sure about that. They’ve been together for, what, seven months now? And Levi still doesn’t feel any more confident that he understands what Eren is outright telling him half the time—never mind all his nuances and actual meanings. Some boyfriend he turned out to be.

At least he can discern that Eren probably isn’t asking Levi to play Bach’s _Prelude 1 in C Major_ , which is what Levi had been planning to play initially. Most of his playing these days is bits and pieces of experimental nothingness as he works towards finalizing the songs for his album. He’s still predominantly unhappy with nearly every piece he’s composed so far, and while he doesn’t need to even really like any of them, he has to be able to tolerate them at least. Otherwise his concert series in the fall is going to be routine torture, having to play these pieces over and over and over again.

He pushes the thought away as soon as it’s entered his head. He doesn’t like to think about the new album. He doesn’t like to think about its release, or the concert series that inevitably follows it.

He doesn’t like to think about the fall. Even if he knows he can’t run from it forever.

So when he does practice, he’s taken to playing more traditional pieces—ones that will help warm up his hands but won’t leave anything behind to inevitably stain Levi’s own music. Eren has been there for it, most days, and Levi wonders if it bores him now, listening to the same short, simple pieces over and over again. Nothing technical, nothing particularly catchy.

Levi bites his lip and relaxes his hands. Maybe that’s what Eren means. Maybe he just wants to hear Levi play the way he used to.

It doesn’t need to be anything strenuous, Eren is hardly ever interested or impressed in overly technical songs, so Levi flips through the most recent additions to his mental songbook and [plays](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eARMLfhFTDU).

Eren perks up immediately, probably due to the fact that he clearly wasn’t expecting this, although he keeps his head firmly planted on Levi’s shoulder. _Stubborn_.

Whenever Levi plays covers, he always waits for the inevitable moment when Eren recognizes the song. If he’s being honest with himself it almost feels like a game now, and sometimes Levi catches himself trying to pick songs that are decidedly more difficult to figure out just to see if Eren _can._ This song, he decides, could go either way. There’s so much back-and-forth that to him it clearly feels like he’s playing out some kind of conversation, but there’s always the chance that Eren might not know the source material.

Although that seems doubtful, even to him.

He feels Eren huff a laugh suddenly, and knows that he’s found the answer.

“Look at where you are,” Eren says more than sings, his voice low. “Look at where you started.” He picks up his head and then turns to look at Levi. “Are you really playing _Hamilton_ right now?” He sounds absolutely incredulous, but there’s something else there that makes Levi stop playing completely.

“Technically, if I was playing Hamilton, it would be this.” Levi plays the first few bars to the opening song of the musical, and Eren knocks his shoulder again. The resulting noise is so dissonant that it makes both of them wince.

“First off, I didn’t know you were cool enough to know what that even is,” Eren says, and Levi furrows his eyebrows. “But also that’s _not what I meant_.”

Levi sighs softly, setting his hands in his laps and turning fully to face Eren.

“Then what did you mean?” He really should have just asked in the first place. He didn’t know something so silly and harmless could have Eren looking so… Disappointed? _Fucking christ_. It’s exhausting, really, how frequently Levi seems to make a misstep, even when he’s being well-meaning. There are always things he misunderstood, there are always feelings that are unknowingly stepped all over.

Somedays he wants to throw his hands in the air and walk away, because when he is this glaringly bad at something it just makes more sense to give it up and let it go than to keep going.

But as bad as he might be at loving Eren, he can’t seem to stop trying to get better.

“I meant I wanted you to play something _real_.”

Levi blinks at Eren slowly, and then quirks an eyebrow. He’s pretty sure everything he’s played for Eren since they’ve met has been real.

“…and by real you mean?” Levi tries to clarify, waiting for the inevitable moment when Eren gets frustrated that Levi has not yet developed telepathy or some sort of Eren-cypher.

It’s almost more surprising when Eren smiles instead of snaps. When he shyly grabs at the hem of Levi’s sleeve like they’ve traveled a year into the past and he’s a near stranger about to request a Kanye West song.

 _Something’s wrong_ , Levi realizes probably about twenty minutes later than he should have.

“Would you… Play me one of your songs?” Eren asks, the request so jarring that Levi physically recoils.

Now it seems they’re both floundering.

“You’ve heard my songs,” Levi responds, looking away. He doesn’t enjoy playing his own music, but he can dredge up one of the older, not-as-hated ones if Eren is insistent. Even though that’s not what Eren wants. Levi hates that, this time, he knows exactly what Eren is asking for.

“Well, yeah, obviously, but… Not any of the _new_ ones,” Eren mutters. “You’ve been so secretive about them.”

“They aren’t done yet,” Levi responds cooly, his hands curling into fists. So much for warming them up. He really will have to play some basics later just to get rid of all this tension.

Eren’s hand is suddenly between his shoulders, warm and weighted, and Levi wonders how stiff he’s become.

“I know, I guess I’m just… Curious,” Eren says on a sigh, and again Levi finds himself surprised. These are the conversations where Levi becomes the immovable object and Eren the unstoppable force, and they always get worse before they get better. But this time, Eren doesn’t even try to fight against Levi’s walls. He simply lets them stand. “You say so much with your music,” Eren continues, voice quiet, and Levi actually jolts when Eren settles back on his shoulder. “I just want to hear your voice.”

Levi can’t help but open his mouth and say a long, drawn out, “Ah.”

Eren laughs and lightly punches Levi’s thigh.

“Fuck you.” But he says it warmly, and the fear of an impending argument dissipates in the fondness of his voice. Levi presses a brief kiss to Eren’s hair for good measure, and then briefly wonders what he should play now if anything at all.

In the wake of his silence, Eren says a very quiet, “Hey.”

Levi plays a gentle trill on the piano. “Hmm?”

“Promise me something.”

“I promise you’ll be the first person to hear my new songs when they’re finished,” Levi says, even as his heart clenches in his chest. It’s not a promise that needed to be made, but it still feels terrifying to make it.

“I better,” Eren says softly, and then: “But that’s not it.”

It feels like Levi is doomed to misunderstand everything Eren is saying today.

Before Levi can do anything—ask the question, make a joke, self-deprecate—Eren says, “Don’t say goodbye.”

It’s not something they’ve talked about yet. It’s The Conversation that has been lurking darkly in the back of their minds, pushed further and further back by how much ( _how little_ ) time they have left.

Levi swallows, but says nothing.

“When the time comes, just…” Just what, Levi wonders? Does Eren want him to pretend like everything is normal? That instead of getting on an airplane and moving across the country, Eren is just stepping out for a few hours? If he doesn’t say goodbye, what is he supposed to say? _See you later?_

He’s not sure if he’s capable of that.

“Eren…” His name catches in Levi’s throat, and Eren sits up. When he looks at Levi, there are no unshed tears in his eyes, but there is sadness. A quiet acknowledgement that neither of them has made out loud yet. _What happens to_ us _?_ it asks. It’s a question that Levi and Eren have both artfully avoided answering.

“Just don’t say goodbye,” Eren finally says, and there’s a smile on his face, but it’s small and brittle. “Promise me.”

Levi brushes his thumb over Eren’s lips, the smile he leaves behind looks slightly stronger.

“Okay,” he says, and the word drops like a stone through his body. “I promise.”

 

*

 

The quiet, careful sound of piano keys wakes Levi up with a start. _Shit_. He fell asleep. He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep.

Levi pushes the meat of his palms into his eyes, doing his best to rub the unsatiated exhaustion out of them, and then struggles to sit up. Why is everything so much harder when he’s tired? It takes him a few moments to stop feeling so disoriented, but once his vision clears, he realizes he’s alone. The space beside him in bed is empty, and when he presses his hand to where Eren had been before, nearly all the warmth is gone. It makes Levi’s throat go tight, but he shakes off the feeling. _Not yet_. He still has time.

He finds Eren sitting at his piano. He’s fully dressed, and most likely showered, and he’s staring down at the keys as he plays one at a time, each note random and unplanned. He glances up as Levi approaches, and doesn’t even try to smile.

“You’re up.” It’s still dark outside, and Eren whispers as if he’s afraid he might wake up the entirety of New York City.

“You should have woken me,” Levi insists, refusing to whisper but keeping his voice at a lower volume. Eren shrugs one shoulder, eyes turning back to the piano. He plays an E-4.

“I figured it didn’t hurt to let you sleep as much as possible,” Eren murmurs, and Levi sighs. “What? I would have woken you up eventually…” Levi can see Eren’s pout, even if it’s not directly aimed at him.

“I’d hope so.” Even though the fear that Eren would up and disappear in the middle of the night had plagued him for months initially, it’s not something Levi has worried about in some time. It had been a slow building understanding that if Levi woke up and Eren wasn’t there, he would come back.

This is the first morning that that won’t be true.

Levi rubs at his chest as surreptitiously as he can, like that will somehow soothe the ache.

Eren moves over on the piano bench, and Levi sits beside him. There’s a good few inches between them that Levi wants to close but is scared to—how close is he to breaking? At what moment will he crumble to pieces and hold Eren as close as he possibly can for as long as he has left?

He breathes out slowly through his nose.

“Are you sure—” Levi starts, and Eren turns to him wildly.

“Yes,” he insists, eyes bright, before Levi can even finish his question. It’s not the first time he’s asked it. “Airport send-offs are so dramatic.” He lifts his hand and cups Levi’s cheek. _I want to to remember you_ here. “Besides, you hate flying.”

Levi rolls his eyes, because Eren knows full well that _flying_ and _airports_ are not remotely the same thing. Not that Levi loves airports, either, but that’s a completely different kind of hatred. One he could easily overcome if Eren wanted him right there until the last possible second.

But they both had decided that that might be a little too much for either of them to handle.

Levi curls a hand around Eren’s neck and pulls him those last few inches forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and he feels Eren’s hand curl around his arm. It’s not exactly a naturally comfortable position, but they hold it either way.

There are no clocks that tick in Levi’s apartment. He prefers near-complete silence as often as he can get it, and one of the only exceptions he makes is the hum of his central air unit—summers and winters in New York would be miserable, otherwise.

Well, and then Eren, of course. Even when Eren is silent, he’s making some sort of noise.

There is a clock on his microwave, and one on his oven, and one on his phone—that’s all he needs. But even with the knowledge that there is no acting clockwork anywhere in his apartment, Levi swears he can hear it. That he can feel the second hand and it counts closer and closer to the end.

“I have something for you,” he says against the ridge of Eren’s eyebrow, and Eren pulls back just enough for them to make eye contact.

There isn’t much time left, and there are a few things Levi still has to do.

“You have something for me?” Eren parrots, and then looks around like he’s expecting some sort of wrapped and ribboned box to just appear out of nowhere. But instead of reaching for anything, Levi turns to his piano, and he can hear Eren’s soft, understanding, “ _Ah_.” Did he really think Levi would let him leave without playing one last time?

“I didn’t want to ask,” Eren says, and Levi has gotten used to playing with the weight of Eren’s head on his shoulder. “But I hoped.”

Levi closes his eyes for a moment, and exhaustion sweeps through him, an insistent begging feeling, and he blinks it away.

There is no introduction, no preamble. Levi’s fingers find the keys with a comforting familiarity, and [he starts to play](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HfCV4IFtUg)—slow, careful, hesitant. He feels surprisingly nervous as he picks his way over the notes of a song he’s been playing for no one but himself for a year now, hyperaware of every breath Eren takes and every inch he shifts beside him.

The song builds, layers and layers—melancholy mixed with wonder, knowing felt through uncertainty. There’s a sadness there that Levi plays to, even now ( _especially_ now). It would feel therapeutic, maybe, if it wasn’t so very real and present. The aching doubt, the solid denial. _No, never, not possible_. It is helpless, hopeless, and yet… More hopeful than it has any right being.

And then… It breaks, and Eren gasps quietly beside him as the music shifts. There is still something sad to it, but there is a lightness to it now. Ease. Hope. It is soaring and reckless and wonderfully brilliant, and it refuses to go away. Even as the song dips away from it, tries to fall back into the dark, it stays, persistent, and it transforms—lifting higher and higher and higher each time.

It gets easier with each passing note, with each inhale and exhale—a contagious feeling that builds on itself like laughter, leaving aching cheeks and gasping lungs and a stretching moment of euphoria. But it’s too bright to sustain. The fall seems sudden, the notes becoming mellow, and even a little sad. _Play me something real_. Nothing feels more real to Levi than this. A slow, careful, dark, cold reality, accented with warm spots of sunshine.

He breathes, and lets the last note fade into the quiet.

Eren is near silent save for his breathing, but Levi can tell by the little jolts of his shoulders that he’s crying.

He tips his head over to rest against Eren’s, and can see the sky getting lighter through the gap between his curtains.

“I always cry when you play piano before the sun rises,” Eren finally says, his voice surprisingly steady, and Levi would laugh if it wasn’t actually true. Not that Eren crying ever has anything to do with the time of day—they both certainly know that’s not why he’s crying now. “Who wrote that one?”

It feels like a silly question the moment Levi hears it, but he still feels shy when he says, “I did.”

When Eren picks up his head, it disturbs Levi from his resting place, and he shifts on the piano bench to meet Eren’s searching gaze.

“You did?” He genuinely seems surprised by that. “I thought I heard all the songs for your new album.”

He has. The album is set to be released in a few weeks, and the track list had been finalized months ago. And on Levi’s word, Eren was the first person to hear each song.

“This one isn’t on the album,” Levi explains, carefully, knowing full well he should just fucking _spit it out_ but still not very good at this sort of thing, even after a year of practice.

“Come on.” Eren looks more skeptical than sad now, and Levi wishes he could keep that going. That he could prevent the impending sadness from descending down on them like a heavy storm, that he could extend this moment of them just being _them_ and not let it get drowned out and washed away. “You hate writing music. Why would you just write a song? Getting a head start on the next one?” Eren’s smile is nearly normal in his teasing, and Levi wants to take it between his hands and hold onto it forever.

“I didn’t write this song for any album,” he says, setting his shoulders and refusing to look away, no matter how embarrassed he is. Eren’s face is pinched in confusion, his mouth half open to interject, when Levi beats him to it. “I wrote it for you.”

The one joy in not looking away is that he gets to see Eren’s entire face wiped over with shock, but he also knows that Eren can probably see the embarrassment building in Levi’s ears and bleeding out to his cheeks. Levi doesn’t… _Do_ big romantic gestures, and Eren has always been fine with that. It made the moments when Levi did express how he felt more meaningful or… Something. Levi’s not sure he ever believed what Eren was saying, was convinced that Eren would have been over the moon if he’d done something outrageous and kissed him at a baseball game or something, but it was just never an area Levi felt comfortable entering.

Even now, in the safe space of his apartment and Eren’s warm gaze, it’s difficult.

“You… You wrote me a song?” There’s a sheen in Eren’s eyes again, and his face is slack in disbelief.

“Technically…” Levi finally looks away, wanting to hide his face in his hands until this uncomfortably warm, wriggling feeling in his chest disappears. “I wrote _us_ a song.” He licks his lips, his mouth feeling dry. Even when he can’t see Eren’s face, he’s still struggling. “Or if you really want to get literal.” It’s like fucking pulling teeth, trying to say what he’s literally been practicing in the mirror for a good two weeks. “I…” Fucking christ. He grips the edge of the piano. “I wrote _my love for you_ into a song.”

He feels like collapsing from the sheer amount of effort it took to say that.

Eren’s hand settles on top of his, gently uncurling the fingers clenched around the wood until he can hold Levi’s hand in his own. A few moments later, Levi feels Eren’s lips press kisses against each of his knuckles. Levi looks at him.

“Why—” Eren’s words catch in his throat. He’s crying again, only this time Levi doesn’t hesitate to reach out and catch the stray tears as they fall. “Why didn’t you tell me that _before_ you played it?” Eren laughs a little bit, shaking his head. “Play it again,” he demands, sniffling, and Levi actually manages to crack a smile.

“You can listen to it as much as you want,” he promises, and Eren’s face crumples, the tears coming in earnest as he closes his eyes. Time is nearly out and they’ve reached the breaking point. There’s no pretending anymore. Levi pulls Eren towards him, leaves a chaste, lingering kiss on each cheek and then his lips. Then he reaches towards his piano, and grabs the jewel case sitting behind his sheet music. “Eren,” he says softly, and it takes a few tries before Eren opens his eyes. Levi picks up his hand, and wraps it around the jewel case.

“What—?” Eren holds it up, looking like a child with his tear-stained cheeks and his confused expression.

It’s just a plain jewel case with a single CD inside, and when Eren flips it over there’s a single piece of paper with a handwritten track list.

“ _Nuvole Bianche…_ ” Eren says as he starts to read it, and then looks at Levi with wide eyes. “Are these…?” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Are these your covers?”

Levi smiles.

“Some of them.” _Your favorites_ , he doesn’t say. “There’s some new ones, too.” _So I can keep playing you things even when we’re 3000 miles apart._ “It’s the only copy in the world.” Levi taps the case. “So… Don’t even think about putting it online. I didn’t… I didn’t make it for them.”

“You made it for me,” Eren says softly, relieving Levi from having to say it himself. “Wait—the last track isn’t named.” Eren turns it over to show Levi his own handwriting, the number eighteen with nothing written next to it.

“That’s your song,” Levi explains. “I couldn’t think of a name for it. _Eren_ felt a little too on the nose, and _The Jerk Who Came Into My Life, Stole My Heart, and Ran With It_ felt like too much of a mouthful.”

Eren’s smile is nothing short of adoring, and makes Levi want to wiggle out of his skin.

“A bit too Panic at the Disco for contemporary piano,” he says, and runs his finger over the blank space. “We should name it, before I go.”

“ _You_ should name it,” Levi insists. “It’s your song.”

“I thought you said it was ours?” Eren teases, and then bites his lip. “You… You said this song was about your love for me. It doesn’t feel right if I name it.”

Levi wants to let out a long-suffering sigh. Letting Eren name the song had all been apart of the _gesture_ , but leave it to Eren to push the responsibility back onto Levi. He’s a sap that way. Thankfully, Levi is prepared for this. Even though he intended to let Eren name the song, he’s had a name in mind for a long time.

He grabs the pen sitting on his music stand, gingerly opens the jewel case, and fills in the last blank.

**18\. Waiting for the Sun to Rise**

There’s a strange finality to actually writing it down. He’s been carrying this song for so long, it doesn’t seem real that he’s finally given it a name. That Eren has finally heard it.

“ _Waiting for the Sun to Rise_ ,” Eren reads, and then presses his lips together thoughtfully. “I didn’t know you were so poetic.”

“Shut up.” He’s _not_ , not really, it just… Seemed like a fitting title. Not that he could explain to Eren why—at least not in his current state. Levi has about reached the end of his ability to express his feelings without completely shutting down.

And they’ve about reached the end of their time.

Eren picks up the CD, smiling softly to himself, and then pushes the jewel case against his chest.

“Can I listen to it on the plane?” He asks, and Levi swallows. There would normally be some sort of sarcastic comment about how Eren doesn’t need to ask Levi’s permission for things, but Levi can’t seem to summon his usual bite. It feels like his pulse is ticking in time to a clock that isn’t real.

“It’s a gift.” Levi’s hand curls against the piano bench. “You can listen to it whenever you want.” In his head, he’d imagined it would be something Eren would listen to whenever he missed Levi the most. That it would be a piece of him, of them, that Eren could fill his California apartment with.

He should have known better than to think Eren would save it for a rainy day. He’s too eager, too impatient, too excited. If nothing else, Levi should feel surprised that Eren isn’t pulling his laptop from his backpack and listening to it right then and there.

But it’s getting harder to feel anything past the growing sense of dread in his stomach. The sun has risen, the dawn has come and gone, and Eren will be leaving soon.

Levi doesn’t know what time it is.

(He’s too afraid to check.)

They sit like that, shoulder to shoulder, just barely touching, the only sound between them their breathing. It’s the sort of thing that Levi would have once found comforting, but now seems wasteful. He should be doing something more, _saying_ something more, knows that he’ll regret it if he doesn’t, knows that—

Eren’s phone starts to vibrate.

He pulls it out of his pocket, and for a moment, they both just stare at it. It’s a random, unknown number with a Brooklyn area code. It rings, and it rings, and it rings, and Eren doesn’t answer it.

_1 Missed Call_

Levi waits for the phone to start ringing again, wonders how long Eren plans to delay _this_ , how long they _can_ delay this, but a text message comes through instead.

It’s Eren’s Uber, and it’s here to pick him up and take him to the airport.

Levi’s entire body feels like lead as Eren texts back a reply.

“I guess I should go before he cancels my ride.” It doesn’t sound like the worst possible thing, but Levi knows if they start playing this game, they won’t stop. Is Eren missing his flight the worst possible thing? Is Eren rescheduling for later the worst possible thing? Is Eren changing his mind and staying in New York the worst possible thing?

Levi hates that his answer is both yes _and_ no.

But this is Eren’s future, and Levi has no intention of interfering or fucking it up.

“Well, come on.” Levi is the first one to stand. It feels like fighting against gravity. “Do you need help carrying all your shit down?”

Not that Eren has much. Most of his belongings have already been shipped to his new apartment. All that’s left had been neatly packed into two suitcases by Levi the day before, and now wait patiently by the door, far more ready to leave than Eren is himself.

“I think I can manage.” Eren actually smiles, and for a second, it doesn’t feel like Eren is leaving. That this is just a trip, and he’ll be back, and that Levi is making far too big of a deal out of it.

He clings to that feeling, knowing it’s the only way he’s getting through the next five minutes the way Eren wants him to.

“Text me when you get through security?” Levi says as they begin a slow amble away from the piano and towards the door.

“Sure, but I’m hoping you’ll be asleep by the time that happens.” Eren’s hand is on his face so fast it seems inhuman, and Levi is starting to wonder if this weighted feeling is actually about Eren leaving or is due to the fact that he’s so exhausted.

Eren rubs his thumb under Levi’s eye, and it flutters closed. “You look exhausted. Please get some sleep.”

“I don’t think I have much of a choice,” Levi mutters. It doesn’t even feel like his insomnia could fight off how tired he is.

Eren smiles fondly, and then his phone vibrates again. His Uber driver is getting impatient.

Levi pulls back, knowing that Eren will keep dragging his feet and dragging this out if Levi isn’t the one to set them in motion. He tangles their fingers together, figuring he might as well keep the contact as he drags his boyfriend towards the door.

Eren moves a few steps, and then resists, and when Levi turns back to remind him that his Uber driver will _absolutely_ cancel on him, he sees Eren paused at the mouth of the hallway. He’s staring back into the living room, his free hand clutching the jewel case and the wall simultaneously. From where he’s standing, Levi knows he can see nearly the entire apartment. The living room, the doors to the balcony, the kitchen—even into the bedroom, since Levi’s pretty certain he didn’t close the door behind him when he stumbled out this morning.

Levi also knows he sees more than that. This is where they started. This is their beginning, and their middle, and while this is not the end of them, it’s certainly the end of something.

They haven’t talked about visiting past vague promises of _I will I will I will_ , and they definitely haven’t discussed the future. There’s no promise that Eren will ever move back to New York. There’s no certainty that Levi will stay in this apartment. There is nothing concrete between them. Past this threshold, everything is unknown.

It’s terrifying.

Eren turns back to him, and the sadness in his eyes is so visceral that it’s like a rock against Levi’s chest.

“You should get a cat,” Eren says as he finally walks towards him.

“I should get a _what?_ ” Where the fuck is _this_ coming from?

“A cat.” Eren gets close enough to press their noses together. “So you don’t get lonely.”

 _I didn’t have a cat before I met you and I was fine_ , Levi wants to say, but they both know that’s a lie. _I have Erwin, I have Hanji, I have my music, I’ll be fine_. Hell, if Levi wanted, he’s sure he could go hang out with Armin and Mikasa and they could all miss Eren together.

“I’ll think about it,” he says, even though he won’t. The cat hair alone is a deal breaker. Besides, he can’t replace Eren with a cat.

He can’t replace Eren with anything.

“You need to go,” Levi finally says. He hates having to say it. It _hurts_ to say it. But someone has to.

“I know.” Eren closes his eyes. “I know. Just…” Eren finally pushes forward and kisses him.

It doesn’t start desperate. It’s sweet, and easy, the way it always is. It is a normal goodbye kiss, a _see you later for dinner_ kiss, a _good luck on your exam_ kiss. Levi wonders for a moment if they’ll manage it, if they will get through this without making it a Goodbye—and then Eren whimpers against his mouth, his hand breaks free from Levi’s and pulls him closer, and the illusion shatters.

Levi’s hand fists in Eren’s hair.

This is it.

Eren pushes him back against the wall.

This is their last kiss for who-knows-how-long. The last time they’ll touch each other. The last time they’ll see each each other without unreliable internet connections and thousands of miles between them.

Eren’s hand pushes up underneath his shirt, spreading against Levi’s stomach, and he bites down on Eren’s lip.

There won’t be anymore sitting side-by-side on Levi’s piano bench. No more walking through parks holding hands, or Eren’s legs in his lap as they watch a movie. No gentle brushes to the shoulder as Levi does dishes, no pecks on the cheek as Eren cooks, no kisses to the top of Levi’s head as he focuses on something.

Not for a long, long time.

It isn’t until their desperate making out starts to head into last-minute-quickie territory that Levi pulls away, gasping. Eren’s Uber driver has waited a long time already, and there is no way he’s going to wait for _that_.

“You’re going to miss your flight,” Levi interjects as Eren shifts attention from his mouth to his neck. There’s definitely a hickey below the neckline of his shirt from last night, and Eren is making a beeline for it. “ _Eren_.”

Eren stops, his hand tucked into Levi’s sweatpants and his lips pressed to Levi’s collarbone. He’s breathing heavily, and Levi cards his fingers through Eren’s hair.

“Not like this, okay?” Quickies have never really been Levi’s _thing_ , and as much as Eren’s touch burns right through him, he doesn’t want this to be the last thing he has. “This isn’t goodbye,” Levi says softly, and presses a kiss to Eren’s forehead. He lets it linger. “Remember?”

“I remember,” Eren murmurs, and then he lifts his head. “We promised.”

Levi smiles. Technically, he promised, but he supposes if he doesn’t say goodbye, neither can Eren.

“So kiss me properly, and tell me you love me like you always do, and…” Levi brushes at Eren’s hair again. “And go get on your fucking flight.”

Eren laughs, and the sound is weak and watery.

“Can you do that?”

The smile Eren gives him is one that Levi is sure he’ll never forget.

“I think so.”

This kiss is like breathing. It’s natural, and effortless, and it happens again and again before Eren finally pulls away.

“I love you.” He says.

“I love you, too.”

Levi walks him out the door, and then stands in the doorway as he heads down the hallway. Every step he takes towards the elevator feels like it’s pulling Levi’s heart straight out of his chest, and if there was ever a time to dramatically run down a hallway after someone, now would be it.

He grips the doorjamb and doesn’t move.

Eren pauses halfway and turns back, his hand wrapped tightly around his backpack strap.

“I love you.” It’s just after six in the morning, and Eren’s voice is too loud in the near silent hallway. Levi forces himself to smile.

“I love you, too.”

Eren doesn’t turn back around, and Levi would laugh at how ridiculous he looked walking backwards towards the elevator if every step didn’t feel like a hundred miles.

“You look ridiculous.” Levi is waiting for one of his neighbors to pop their nosy heads out the door and tell them to shut the fuck up and ruin the moment.

“You love me anyway.” It should be teasing, but Eren’s eyes are too wide, too earnest, and there’s an undercurrent of neediness to his voice.

Levi presses his cheek against the doorframe, and his grip is so tight it hurts.

“I do.” Eren has reached the elevators. His hand reaches blindly backwards to hit the button. “I do love you.”

Eren smiles again, and Levi is too far away now to be able to tell if Eren is about to cry or if he’s just imagining it.

The elevator _dings_ its arrival, and the doors slide open.

“I love you, too.”

The last thing he sees are Eren’s eyes, still fixed firmly on Levi up until the elevator doors slide all the way shut.

And then… It’s just Levi.

He stands there for a few long moments, watching the number above the elevator count down to the lobby. If he wanted, he could probably go to the window in his bedroom and watch Eren’s Uber drive away, but he doesn’t. The longer he has to watch Eren move away from him, the more likely he is to do something stupid and impulsive, like _go after him_.

The hallway is quiet and, when Levi shuts the door, his apartment is just as quiet. He knows it’s not any different than any other morning, but it still feels the quietest it’s been in nearly two years.

Levi presses his back against the door, unable to walk forward and face the future just yet, and closes his eyes. He catalogues everything he can about Eren, as if it will all disappear if he doesn’t memorize every second—the color of his eyes when they’re nose-to-nose, the way his mouth pulls slightly higher on one side when he smiles, the way his laugh popped like a firecracker into silence. But everything is overwhelmed by the memory of the elevator door cutting Eren off from sight.

His next breath rattles out of him, and when Levi speaks, the sound seems to echo in his apartment, making it feel vast and desolate.

“Goodbye.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is so sad, Levi [play despacito](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmtTDvNcXcU)  
>  
> 
> [reblog & like on tumblr](http://missmichellebelle.tumblr.com/post/177209863190/waiting-for-the-sun-to-rise)


End file.
